Saturday 5 January 2013

My Funny stories 2



 MY WRITING JOURNEY by ADEBAYO CALEB

‘Caleb, Caleb’ the familiar voice would call ‘What are you doing inside? You should go play with your friend Gbenga. He’s here’
That was my mum’s voice as she called from the kitchen where she tried to fix something for herself and Mrs Onasanya, our very good family friend and the mother of the Gbenga my mum was referring to. She always wondered what I was doing in my room when I ought to be playing with my friends. I was seven years old, and I was already a writer.
Writing for me, came almost as natural as breathing. The experience began when I was seven. That was when I wrote my first piece. It was a children fiction, with a lot of grammatical errors and crayon drawings. I drew what I imagined in my head, and looking at them felt some sort of accomplishment. Writing became an addiction.
My mum never actually knew that the addiction I had to writing was her fault. At a very young age, she had built a very ardent reading habit in me that could not easily be broken. She stocked the house with books; ladybird books and Enid Blyton’s series and kept me reading them and asking for more. While other kids our age got Xboxes and Play stations, we got to feed our imagination with reading foreign authors.
I can vividly remember the first story I wrote. That night, I tore out pages from a school notebook from the previous school year. I tore out a middle page and made it form the cover and back page. I wrote out the title on the cover page, and drew a very funny picture with red, blue and green crayons. This was what I did over the next few years while mum wondered what I was always doing holed up in the room, instead of playing outside with Gbenga.
And so over the next three years or so, I wrote the same kind of works, with my imagination growing wider as I advanced in years. By the age of eleven, however, I quit using the picture illustrations and used only words to convey my message. This was because, I had started reading novels without pictures, and somehow learnt that books without pictures were more mature. So I moved from children fiction to true, adult fiction.
Where I grew up, writing was never considered a profession; it was either you were a lawyer, a doctor, an engineer or something of the sort- not a writer, so despite my addiction to writing, I couldn’t call writing a profession, because no other student mentioned it in school when asked what they wanted to be in future. However, I dreamt real hard of publishing my books (even the baby ones I wrote). I desperately needed to share my thoughts with someone out there and make them see what I saw. Sadly, though, by the time I was ten, I had lost all my colour drawing stories. Either they were swept away or something, but I just couldn’t find them anymore.
My first attempt at publishing my book was when I was in my first year in High school. I met a boy in my class who said his dad had a printer, and after noticing me always writing in class, even when classes were not on, he asked me what it was I always wrote. I showed him the story I was writing at the time. He loved it and said he was going to type it and print it out for me, that I would become a published writer. I was so happy and I gave him the draft of the work. Every day at school, I would ask him how it was going. Soon, he began bringing pages of the work to school-printed pages. This was the first time I was seeing my work on print, and I was so excited about it. The excitement didn’t last long anyway because this boy came to me one day and told me that the ink in his dad’s printer was finished and he couldn’t print anymore. At first, I was mad at him and felt he was lying because he didn’t want to help me anymore. I asked him to bring the draft I gave him to school the next day. He brought it, however incomplete as some of the pages I gave him were missing. Now I was really mad. That day, I cried. An opportunity at publishing was defeated.
Another opportunity presented itself when my school launched its annual magazine and called for entries. Immediately, I wrote a story and sent to the school magazine. Soon, the issue was out and I rushed to get it. I was so overwhelmed with joy when I saw my article in a corner of a page, in between two bolder articles written by senior high students, almost unnoticeable. I was happy however, that I, a grade 7 junior high student could be published on a magazine. That was my first incentive in writing.
Years later, I added something to my writing- Poetry. As a student of literature in high school, I hated poetry. It always seemed so complex and hard to comprehend. It was then so surprising to me that in my final year of high school, I wrote my first poem. I was amazed, and excited at the same time that I had extended my writing boundaries. This was my second incentive in writing.
Three years after high school, while in college, studying law, I won my first award as a writer in a national magazine essay competition. I screamed when the call came in that I had won, and this gave me my third incentive in writing.
And so the little seven year old who wrote children fiction with coloured crayons, and never played outside with Gbenga is growing to be an award-winning writer of essays, fiction of all sorts and poems, with writing still an addiction.

My Funny stories



MY JAMB STORY by Adebayo Caleb (beware, you may just laugh too much)

We didn’t get seated until three hours after the scheduled time. The JAMB exam had finally come.
Some invigilators looked like henchmen and others moved like their feet were as heavy as an anvil. The classroom smelled putrid; it reminded me of the pap I had taken that morning.
The moment the question papers and answer sheets were shared, an elderly female invigilator came into the class. She began ‘Listen to me my children, I am like a mother to you, and so you can always come to me if you need any help for the exam. We are like one family.’
The expression on my face came reflexively; it said ‘Are you serious? One family?’ She must have noticed it because she immediately focused her attention on me and said ‘Do you need any help? I shook my head no, but I guess she didn’t see as some other candidates began to raise up their hands signifying that they needed help.
The moment we were asked to start, various movements started taking place. A girl by my side began fiddling nervously with her hair; it didn’t take long for me to realise that there was a paper in it. Another boy bent his head down and right before my eyes, he withdrew a large fold of paper wrapped in cello tape from inside his mouth, wiped it and began opening it. I supposed it had been wedged somewhere under his tongue. My mouth hung agape in surprise.
Almost immediately, one of the henchmen invigilators came in and asked us to listen to the instruction he had for us. He said it all with a straight face ‘Now let us not deceive ourselves, we all know that there’s nothing we’re doing here. There’s no need for us to waste time here. It is for a reason that this exam is called Joint Matriculation.’ He said, emphasising on the ‘joint’. It means that there are different people that have to put hands together to enable you even smell matriculation. And, the truth is, I am one of them. In fact, I am the most important of them. If you fail here, you will come back next year, and you will buy the JAMB form again and I’m sure you know that it’s not getting any cheaper, so the fact is, let’s not make this hard for ourselves. That is why I and the rest of the invigilators here have provided a working service system where we provide the services and you pay us. And listen to me, this service is compulsory, not obligatory. The woman that introduced herself as your mother is actually the customer care representative of this our small scale enterprise. The only problem is that we are not registered with the Corporate Affairs Commission, but honestly we are all one big family.’ He said with a selfish chuckle. ‘We are your fathers and mothers and you are our children so there is no reason why you should fail.’
‘Now if you brought any help or machinery with you from outside, we also make provision for that. This is why we have put together a price list, but another problem is that we don’t give receipts, but I don’t see why we need them since we are one big family and we trust ourselves, right?’ he didn’t wait for an answer. Now listen to the Price list: Use of English alone is 500 naira, all four subjects for Arts is 1000, all four subjects for sciences is 1500, all four subjects for social sciences is 1200, machinery is 2000, to make and receive phone call is 2500. If you have your own help or services and you want to use it, that will be 3000 naira. If you feel you want to do it with your head, you will still pay 500 naira. What we don’t want is that after paying a lower service charge, you will begin to use a higher service. That will be an end to your Joint Matriculation, because as I said, I am a major determiner of whether or not you will attend any higher institution. One thing you should be rest assured of is that they can never cancel this centre even if you take your scripts to your house to write because we got it all covered from here. So as our chief accountant will go around please pay immediately so we can get out of here, because I don’t imagine you like the smell of this place any better than I do.’
Just as he finished, the beans and pap I had taken that morning began acting up. My stomach growled and I farted. I said a short prayer that I will make it out of this classroom alive.